| In this episode, we’re tackling a myth that you’ve probably bumped into before. The myth goes like this: If you say you want to change, you should be able to just do it. Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve thought: I want to eat healthier… I want to add strength training to my routine… I want to stress less. And yet, the follow-through doesn’t always happen. Then you start saying things to yourself like: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do it? I’m just not committed enough. I’m so lazy. I don’t know why I even bother sometimes. If you’ve ever been there, you’re not alone. Thanks to the way we’re wired and cultural norms around this myth, this spiral into the negative is way more prevalent than you might realize. And, today we’re going to bust this myth about just needing more commitment or willpower, talk about why it’s completely normal to feel ambivalence toward making a change, and what you can do to help yourself do what you say you want to do. First, let’s debunk the myth. Having a desire to change and committing to change are important, but they’re not the whole story. When you want to break a bad habit and start a healthy one, there’s usually another part of you that has its own concerns. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, your brain is constantly assessing a pros and cons list and doing a risk assessment. When we’re in this stage of consciously wanting to change but not following through, what we’re really dealing with is what’s called ambivalence. There’s often something that we’re still getting from engaging with the old habit. There’s a benefit to eating the big greasy cheeseburger, there’s a benefit to putting off the weight training session, there’s even a benefit to smoking. The trick then, it would seem, is convincing your whole self that the benefits of the healthier choice outweigh the benefits of the unhealthy choice. But, that takes recognizing and naming what you’re getting out of continuing your behaviors. Take a moment right now—think about a change you’ve been wanting to make. Got it? Okay. Now ask yourself: What’s the part of me that wants this? And how will it benefit me? Then, what’s the part of me that’s resisting this change? And, what benefit am I getting from staying the same? Ambivalence and so called going backward, by the way, are a completely normal part of the change process. Change is not linear (another big myth, we can tackle more on another day). But, psychologist James Prochaska, who co-developed the Stages of Change model, says: “Change involves progress through a series of stages. Most people do not succeed on the first attempt. Success usually involves recycling through stages several times before reaching stable change.” So if you’ve ever felt like you’re circling back to the same goals again and again—it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re in the natural rhythm of change. Let me share a personal example. A few years ago, I learned that eating dairy was making me sick. Logic says the solution is simple: just stop eating dairy. And in some ways, it was easy. I swapped heavy cream out for coconut milk in my coffee overnight, no problem. But cheese? That was a different story. I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t just about taste—it was comfort food, it was part of family gatherings, it was woven into my routines. Pizza night was a regular thing for us then. So even though I definitely wanted to feel better, another part of me really wanted to hold on to eating cheese. And here’s where you can see my ambivalence in action: both desires were true and valid. I did want better health. I didn’t want to feel sick. And I also wanted the connection and comfort that were a part of eating cheese. It wasn’t that I lacked willpower or the desire to stop eating cheese. It was that my environment, my culture, and my own associations made cheese a much harder shift. And that’s okay. That’s normal. Over time, the pros of giving up cheese started to outweigh the perceived losses. And when they did, I was able to shift my identity from my old self to someone who doesn’t eat dairy. So, let’s zoom out again—why do we believe wanting to change should equal making the change? First, our culture glorifies grit. You’ve heard the slogans: “No excuses.” “Just do it.” But as James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says: “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Second, we fall into shame cycles. When we don’t follow through, we blame ourselves. Think about the last time you didn’t stick with something—did shame help you do better? Or did it make you shrink back? When we hit enough shame cycles, we can even end up in a state of learned helplessness. And third, we overlook the role of our environment. It’s easy to assume change is just about willpower, but so much of our behavior is shaped by what’s around us. The foods in our fridge. The people we eat with. The cues in our workspace. These all nudge us one way or another. Here’s the thing: none of this means we’re powerless or that it’s all the fault of “the system.” It means we have an incredible opportunity—and responsibility—to design our own environment and routines in ways that support the changes we want. So instead of thinking, “I just need to try harder,” the more useful question is: “How can I set myself up so that the change I want to make becomes easier, almost automatic?” Instead of asking, “Why can’t I just do this?”—try, “What’s getting in the way, and what is that resistance trying to tell me?” Sometimes the resistance is guarding you from burnout. Sometimes it’s honoring a value like connection. Sometimes it’s fear of the unknown triggering your survival instincts and stopping you from changing your identity. So, the next time you feel that push-pull, pause. Close your eyes if you can, and simply name both voices out loud: “Part of me wants this.” “Part of me doesn’t.” Notice how even naming it softens the shame. You’re not lazy—you’re listening. And like James Prochaska reminds us, learning counts as progress. Change isn’t a straight line—it’s a spiral. Every loop teaches you something that helps you move forward. Now let’s talk about what a couple of things you can do if you find yourself spiraling downward instead of up. 1. Shrink the change. If a 30-minute workout feels overwhelming, make it 5 minutes, or even one stretch. James Clear would call this lowering the activation energy. 2. Experiment instead of commit. Instead of, “I’ll do this every other day for all eternity” say, “I’ll try this once and see what I learn.” Experiments are lighter, more playful, and much easier to stick with. Can you give yourself permission to run one “experiment” this week instead of chasing a perfect routine? So, now, when you hear yourself say, “I really want this. Why can’t I just do it?” What will you say to yourself instead? Desire is the spark, but what sustains change are systems, self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to experiment and learn until we’re able to complete the shift. So next time you feel stuck, remember: it’s not about wanting harder—it’s about getting curious, building systems that serve you, and giving yourself grace in the messy middle. You’re not failing—you’re learning. And learning is growth. Some Questions to Consider: What’s a change you’ve wanted to make but struggled with? What “benefit” are you still getting from staying the same? How can you adjust your environment to make the new habit easier? What small “experiment” could you try this week? |
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